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Showing posts from January, 2017

Confessions of a F*uckboy

Today marks the end of my fast from dating and sexual relations. One of the reasons I did this was the realization that I needed a new consciousness about dating and about sex. Why? Because I was a fuckboy. A fuckboy is a guy who is into strictly sexual relationships; he will lead a person on, build his or her trust and genuinely pretend to like the person only to lose interest once they have achieved their conquest. At one point this past summer I had twenty one dates with different people in a single month period. While I slowed down in the fall, realizing I was out of control, I still had the same mindset....often not even realizing the games I played with people's hearts. Thus, the need for this fast.

During this fast, I realized that I was a fuckboy trying to avoid real intimacy with a cheap facade. I did not have to risk getting close to anyone and thus did not risk getting hurt. This fast gave me another way to be. I gave myself no allowances for dating nor sex. …


Tomorrow is my final day of a period of a spiritual intensive I have undergone to really dig deep in my mind, heart and spirit.  I have taken up a time of intense workouts, yoga, twice daily meditation, a radical change of diet, and giving up sex and dating for that time.  It has been liberating and challenging.  This time has really brought things forward that were deeply buried and even had not totally wanted to face, but needed to.  I will write my reflection of that time more in-depth tomorrow, but suffice it to say, that it has revolutionized my relationship with God and my own Self.

The Beauty of the Path

I seek to become a kinder person.  Oddly enough, I found I could not do it by force.  I simply cannot force myself to experience loving-kindness.  It is only when I remove the obstacles of loving-kindness that it seems to grow naturally.  It is as if maitrÄ« (Sanskrit for loving-kindness) were a seed that has always existed within me were ready to grow at the first glimpse of the the first drop of water if only I would let it reach the seed.  And so it has started to happen.  I attended a spiritual center with a friend last year.  One of the messages taught there was that God is not judging you.  Your spirit a flame of God...the same fire as God.  God sees only God's Self as myself.  God will never judge nor condemn me.  I had heard such a message before, but apparently it was only then that my heart was ready to receive this message.  It allowed me to sit in meditation in the presence of the Divine Love and allow myself to be loved without shame nor remorse clouding the w…

A Path

People often ask me what religion I practice.  Or those of a more mystical bent, might ask what path I follow.  When I was younger, I was obsessed with what I labeled myself.  I explored several religions, diving in their theology and practices for a time, proudly identifying myself as such and such.

So much has changed.  I have changed.  And yet I am the same.

I am not so caught up on labels these days.  I do my spiritual practice.  I meditate.  I pray.  I study sacred texts.  I chant.  I do good.  I attend a spiritual center on the weekends.  Yet naming my path has been hard when folks ask.  I stumble.  I have to think. I have a term for it but largely keep it to myself.

One might describe me as a yogi in the broadest sense of the term.  I seek God.  I seek awareness of God in myself and in all all nature as well.  In my practice of meditation, I sit with mantras (one in English and one in Sanskrit) that remind me that God is within.   When I do hatha yoga, I seek G…

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Many people do not know, that Martin Luther King was greatly inspired and took his lessons in non-violent resistance from another great man of color, Mahatma Gandhi. Both of these men have a lot to teach me particularly after this election. They resisted evil and yet refused to treat their "opponent" as an enemy.

I refuse to hate Trump. I refuse to demonize him, and yet I will speak against unjust policies that harm people put in place during these next four years. Not on Facebook or other forms of social media...I know of no hearts or minds changed that way. But rather by learning how to contact my senators and how to best present my understanding. I will do good and volunteer, whether it is in helping the needy, the sick, or loving those who are here from the countries south of us.

I may not stand for what Trump stands for and refuse to comply with unjust commands, I still refuse to hate him. I still have a long way to go. Perhaps MLK Jr and Mahatma Gandhi are still teach…

Adventures in Being Lost

There were two fish having a conversation.  One asks the other how they are enjoying the water.  The other replies, "What the hell is water?"

I used to read that the Atman and Brahman are one, and completely did not get it.  To put it another way, our spirit or soul is one with God.  It is a spark from the fire of God.  I heard it over and over so many ways throughout the years and though intellectually I understood the concept, I did not grasp it beyond as a philosophical concept.  But something has changed in the past few months.  I have glimpses of it as a reality.  What if God is me...right now?  That this God In Me does not judge, and nothing can separate from this God who is the essence of love.

It means I am free.  I used to always come to God and feel like I had to spend several minutes confessing all my sins before I could enter the presence of God.  I never felt fully pure.  I felt like a fraud in the presence of the Divine.  But if God is in me and expre…

The Past

As I was singing Jai Gurudev, I became aware of things in my past that still have roots in my life today.  My Christian background bore a lot of fruit, both helpful and harmful.  It challenged me to love God.  It taught me to pray, sing, and love God and to love and serve my neighbor.  It also taught me to hate aspects of myself that are part of my person and unchangeable.  The exclusivity I learned caused me much confusion in the past.  I had made the journey through evangelical fundamentalism into Roman Catholicism and finally out from Christianity.  Yet as I pray and sing to God, as I read Rumi's poetry, I am aware of my appreciation of the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures.  I am aware of my love of Jesus.  And yet...

Yet, I am not a Christian.  Jesus, I see as a cross between a guru and avatar of God.  I see that of God in him.  Just as God, Guru and the Self are to does Jesus become the Guru into which I see God and my truest Self.  It is funny to honor where I come fr…

Writing Again

The election back in November changed me.  More than any other election, this one threw me for a loop.  I never expected Trump to win.  Someone who comes across as immature, reactive, homophobic, racist and sexist won our presidency.  When it was clear he won, I was shocked, then depressed, and finally scared.  Many fears reared their ugly heads of what his leadership could possibly mean-mass deportations, hatred of all things Islamic, reversal of gay rights, racist and sexist legislation.  His election has brought out a lot of the dark things previously hidden under the rug in our country.

So as I moved through the range of emotions, I have come to view this election and Donald Trump as Kali in her terrifying disguise.  She has exposed our own darkness and some of our deep seated fears.  Her gorgeous black skin has hidden the sun for a time, forcing us to walk in the cavern with our own demons.  She holds up a mirror to America and to each of us, forcing us to look as things are.  Sh…