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Update

It has been a while since I have posted.  I even took the blog down for a while.  I guess I simply cannot stop writing. I have no idea if folks even read this, and I suppose it does not matter. I will write regardless.  So here is an update into a window into my life.  I have started a few projects over the summer.

  • Lose weight.  I have lost 50 pounds so far and am nearing my target weight.  Most of this was done through healthy eating and portion control. The past couple of weeks I have started at a gym to help me tone up and lose the last bit of weight. 
  • I am moving in with roommates I had ages ago.  The very ones who introduced me to my partner.  I have gutted the room floor to ceiling.  Working with my hands has been amazing. Sanding painting, staining etc has been very therapeutic.  
One challenge has been dealing with the emotions of loss.  I saw what the loss of her husband did to my mom throughout the past year and did not want that.  Unfortunately I made the mistake of shutting down emotionally.  With the newfound weight loss, I was a lot more attractive to guys and hooked up more than I care to admit, with no emotion whatsoever on my part.  No longer meditating nor having any spiritual practice, I effectively numbed my heart and mind from processing my loss.  The side effect was that I maybe slept 2 hours a night if that.  Finally this past week I meditated and opened up and cried and cried.  And slept like a baby.

So that is where I am.   Spiritually, I no longer know what I believe.  I don't pray as I am not sure I believe in a God who answers prayers.  I may share more about why if you, the reader, care to know. Let me know.

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